Fight or Flight

Last night as I lay in bed, not sleeping (this is a common occurrence!) I was thinking about our natural instincts to protect ourselves in danger, the two main categories being fight or flight, it’s in our genetic make up to do one of the two when faced with fear.

When I was young and very naive, talking early teens here, I remember knowing about rape and how I always said I’d scream like a banshee or kick him in the balls. However the only rape I understood at that age was of stranger rape, dark alley ways, late at night, walking on your own type rape. I think many people who haven’t been raped, probably think they’d react the same way, their “fight” instinct will kick in. Sadly it doesn’t often happen that way and in actual fact a lot in a way, although they might still be enduring the physical side of the rape, their brain has gone into flight mode… the only way they are going to get away from this unharmed is to wait until it’s over and then run like hell.

I thought back to my rape (another common occurrence whilst not sleeping). He wasn’t a stranger, he was an ex-boyfriend, I let him into my home. My 4 year old son was asleep in bed. I have only just come to terms with the fact that this wasn’t my fault. I fought and flew so to speak. After he raped me in my own living room, I fought him off, I ran straight up the stairs, and locked myself in the bathroom, where I sat in silence. He followed me upstairs. I was petrified what was going to happen next. I didn’t want my son to wake. I spent almost 2 years with this controlling, manipulating, abusive and aggressive person, I did not want to give him any reason for an outburst or attack. But I was scared as I sat on my bathroom floor, willing him in my mind to leave. Hoping like hell that my son would not wake up or worse still that he woke him up to get me out of the bathroom. After what seemed like eons he finally gave up trying to coax me out and I heard the front door shut. I sat in silence for a further 20 minutes or so until I was satisfied he’d actually gone. Then I ran the bath and got in.

I’m not sure how long I sat in the bath, once I got out, I dressed, lifted my son from his bed asleep and strapped him into the car and drove. I wasn’t sure where I was going to start with, I just wanted to get away, it was late, I felt unsafe, violated, stupid and masses of fear. I drove back to my hometown to a friend’s flat, where I spent the next 2 weeks, broken.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with what happens, you may have ideas in your head of how you will react to a situation but don’t judge others by this because in all seriousness, you will never, ever know, unless you are faced with this situation. Flight isn’t just about running away, it’s about surrendering for that moment for the greater good, it can be seen as giving up, but it’s not, it’s about survival. Fight isn’t just about fighting there and then, it’s not just about physically harming someone, but standing up for yourself if you are capable in that situation for the betterment of the outcome.

I’m still fighting.