Moral Responsibility

I’m not actually sure on where to start with this one. It’s been half term so I’ve been a little quiet on here, working and juggling being a super mum to my 2 amazing kids. This morning I read an article from earlier this week that actually left me speechless for some time. I was catching up on the news whilst laying in bed and decided to go and have a bath whilst I pondered what I had to say about it. Even the very act of bathing after reading the article shows how it made me feel. You can read the article, I’ve linked it above, I’m just going to go over it piece by piece and explain what true “Moral Responsibility” is.

“Some rape victims have a “moral responsibility” for their fate, a leading barrister has suggested.” 

Firstly I’d be interested to know which rape victims Barbara Hewson is pigeon-holing into this category? It’s just as offensive of the news reader that spoke of a particular “serious rape” all rape is serious and all rape is rape… it is the act of forcing someone to have sex against their will, without consent. No one rape victim is different from another, they all have this utter violation forced upon them, whether they are drunk, gay, sexually active, a prostitute, married, single, an 80 year old woman, a college student or a child… it is all rape and it is all 100% the responsibility & accountability of the perpetrator, no one else made it happen to them, it was not a choice that they, or I made.

“She also expressed doubts over the “long term damaging effects” of rape and criticised the view that the offence was “morally absolutely unambiguous” with the victim “utterly innocent” and the “victimiser … utterly guilty”.”

My first reaction to this is venom and anger, I want to shout and swear but I shall not. There is absolutely NO DOUBT over the long term damaging effects of rape. It affects even the strongest of women, forever. What does happen with time is that you find your voice, you understand your feelings and you can deal with it better. Time does not however make it go away. The article then expands on her comments on this one which just renders me so exasperated I’ve had to shut myself off in a quiet room to write this, otherwise it will be simmering underneath my surface for the rest of the day and I don’t want it to impact on my Sunday with my family!

“some rape victims spent too much time blaming failings in their personal and professional lives on their ordeals, adding: “It becomes the cause of everything that goes wrong in life.”

Do you know how hard it actually is to come back from a rape fighting?! I have been fortunate to have an amazing family, fantastic support network of friends and colleagues but not everyone is that fortunate. Whilst we’re on the subject of “Moral Responsibility” Barbara Hewson, let me tell you that you are morally responsible for the silencing of rape victims, you are morally responsible for it affecting their work and personal lives, YOU and anyone that agrees with the utter tripe you have spouted this week are responsible. When you are raped, you have something stolen from you that you cannot get back, it’s not just the violation of the act, it takes away your trust in human kind, your ability to feel safe, your self worth, self esteem and self belief. How can victims of rape believe in themselves again when people like you are blaming them.

This little nugget actually made me laugh in disbelief:

“It seems to me, simply factually, we all know if you’re drunk you are more likely to have accidents. So if you fall off a bar stool and hit you head and have a serous brain injury because you’re drunk people are gong to say well you chose to be drunk.”

First off, for a barrister, in this quote alone you have just insulted your own intelligence. Let me go back to the dictionary to spell this one out for you:

ac•ci•dent (ˈæk sɪ dənt)

n.

1. an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in injury, damage, or loss.

2. an incident that results in injury, in no way the fault of the victim, for which compensation or indemnity is legally sought.

3. any event that happens unexpectedly, without a deliberate plan or cause.

So you see, I would not blame the person that had fallen off their bar stool resulting in them having a serious brain injury because it was an accident. And lets just look back at the word MORAL. I was brought up with morals, I have strong morals about what is right and what is wrong, for instance if someone was left with brain damage after an accident I would not blame them for being drunk, it would not even cross my mind to think well what an idiot they shouldn’t have been drunk it’s their own fault…. because unlike you I have morals. Furthermore, likening the rape of someone who is intoxicated, to whatever degree, to falling of a stool by accident is disrespectful, shameful and ludicrous. Firstly an accident is just that, an accident. Rape however is not, it is the choice of the perpetrator and him alone. Let me just clarify that one more time… Rape is NOT an accident.

“So it does seem to me something a little sanitised about the idea that (when discussing rape) we cannot even have a discussion about the moral responsibility whatever people may want to say about the legal responsibility.”

Yes, oh yes we can discuss moral responsibility. The legal responsibility is completely and utterly with the rapist. The moral responsibility is with society, it’s with mother’s, father’s, teachers, politicians, and yes barristers. It’s a parent’s moral responsibility to teach their son’s not to rape, to openly talk to them about what is wrong and right when it comes to sex and consent. It is also the moral responsibility of teachers and politicians to teach our children about healthy sexual relationships  unfortunately this is another thing the government didn’t pass. We all have a social moral responsibility to say that rape is wrong and whilst people don’t, it is condoned, down-played, excused. You will do well to read and digest the content and watch the videos on my previous post Miss Hewson.

“Miss Hewson has also previously called for the age of consent to be lowered to 13 and criticised the “witch-hunt” of ageing celebrities accused of sexual abuse.”

There is only one thing to say on this, and that is you disgust me. You are a disgrace to womankind and humankind. Your attention seeking propaganda is just that. YOU should be ashamed of yourself, but I very much doubt you will be.

Rape Culture – The silencing of sufferers the world over

Today I am ANGRY and I’ll tell you why. Rape Culture… it’s silencing women time and time over. Because it’s ok to rape, if you’ve dated someone, it’s ok to rape if you were drunk, it’s ok to rape if you drug someone, it’s ok to rape if she was drunk. NO IT ISN’T! however if you read the news, hear how people talk or hear statements from actual law enforcement, this is the message they are giving to the world.

This week, in the news, we learnt of Cee Lo Green’s escape from a rape charge… because according to the LAPD, her story was “flawed” because she once dated him and had a previous sexual relationship with him. HOWEVER he is still being charged for drugging her without CONSENT… did you see that word? CONSENT? if she was drugged without consent, then how could she give consent to sex. She has no memory of what happened, other than waking up naked with him because he DRUGGED her! You can read more on this story here.

First up, let’s just obliterate the obvious myth there… YOU CAN BE RAPED by a previous boyfriend, you can be raped by someone you’ve slept with before and if you are under 16 years of age, drugged, asleep or unconscious you are incapable of giving consent in the eyes of  the law. Given that this woman was also unknowingly drugged that makes this even more sinister.

It is not ok, there is no grey area, rape is rape! There has also been a LOT of talk about the case in America of the two football players who raped a 16 year old girl while she was wasted, then posted pictures online and were both charged. But do you know what, when they were sentenced SHE got harassed and abused further by the community because they had pride in their football team. The community even tried to cover it up.

“Sons” – what can we teach them?

So what is rape culture? Here is the wikipedia definition:

Rape culture is a concept which links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society and in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, and even condone rape.

Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification, and trivializing rape. Rape culture has been used to model behavior within social groups, including prison systems and conflict areas wherewar rape is used as psychological warfare. Entire countries have also been alleged to be rape cultures.

Although the concept of rape culture is used in feminist academia, there is disagreement over what defines a rape culture and to what degree a given society meets the criteria to be considered a rape culture.

Rape culture has been observed to correlate with other social factors and behaviors. Research identifies correlation between rape myths, victim blaming and trivialization of rape with increased incidence of racism, homophobia, ageism, classism, religious intolerance and other forms of discrimination.

This is a great article that further explains what Rape Culture is “Rape Culture 101”

Whilst I’m on this subject, belittling rape is not ok. Jokes about rape are not ok. Whoever coined the term “Fraped” for Facebook (the act of writing on someone’s Facebook profile without their consent) should be vilified… it’s not cool people, stop saying it.

“You are too ugly to be raped”

As a mother of a son, I feel a responsibility to educate him on what is wrong and what is right with sex & rape. It’s not an easy subject, but that is why rape culture exists. “boys will be boys” let’s treat them to be true men, men with morals, men with compassion, men who understand that they cannot take what they want when they want it. Men who love, men that can be trusted, men who raise sons to do the same and daughters that can speak out and not be silenced.

To Protect Our Children, We Must Talk To Them About Rape – The Guardian

Mental Torture & Physical Pain

Last week I braved the decision to share my blog with my Mum, Sisters and closest friends. Two things happened. Firstly my friend sent me a message, after reading my “fight or flight” post. She explained that I probably didn’t remember but when I was sat on my bathroom floor, I actually phoned her. I am still utterly flabbergasted as I honestly can’t remember, there’s lots of gaps in my memory from shock. She said I was in a right state and she’s not surprised I don’t remember, but she’ll never forget, I described to her how I was crouched right down between the toilet and the wall, whispering to her. She even remembered me running the bath once I was sure he was gone.

The second thing to happen was a phone call from one of my sisters. She was upset at my pain and upset that she didn’t realise that he was so abusive towards me when we were together. You see I never told anyone at the time. I was duped into this world all on my own, where I didn’t want people to think badly of my boyfriend.

He never once punched me in the face, but I lost count of the amount of times I was thrown around the room, or had things thrown at me, pint glasses, remote controls. Heck I remember his alcoholic mother scooping me up off the floor at her house in the middle of the night after he’d physically thrown me out of his room because I was upset that he wouldn’t say those three little words back to me. I was a strong young woman, but this man got inside my head and fucked me up from the inside out. He manipulated and controlled me, physically and worse still mentally and emotionally. Do you know what, the emotional torture was actually worse than the physical. He broke me down until I felt worthless, “no-one else will want you”, “you’re fat” “you’re ugly” “you’re useless”. It was like he suffocated my soul with his words. I wasn’t me anymore.

They’re just a snippet of what I had to deal with, the refusal of recognition of being human, to wanting to feel loved was the worst. Making me feel like I couldn’t live without him but also making me the most miserable I’d ever been in my entire life. It didn’t just stop there either. He tormented my son, at the time he convinced me that my 2 year old was jealous of him, it wasn’t until I started my doubts in how I was living that I realised it was him that was jealous. He couldn’t stand that bond I had. When my son was just 2/3yrs old, he had him up by his throat. I didn’t witness it, but my tiny, helpless little child told me… I took him and I ran, I hid at my sister’s house (the one that didn’t know about all this). He phoned everyone he knew trying to find me. When I finally caved, he managed somehow to convince me that my son was lying, that he made it up, exaggerated. He would drive fast… as in 120mph to scare me and my son. Everything he did was to crush me and make me feel like I needed him.

I finally managed to stop it… there was a turning point when I realised that life shouldn’t and needn’t be like this anymore. So what if I was on my own for the rest of my life, it had to be better than this right?

I’d cried the most in my life in the 2 years that I was on and off with this man, it was time to reclaim my life, reclaim who I am, reclaim me. This didn’t sit well with Mr Controlling, he started to stalk me. He would phone me all the time, sit on my doorstep for ages, drive past my friends houses when I was there… repeatedly. He didn’t want me, but no-one else could have me either.

Rape was his final act of violation, his determinative deed of ruining me. But do you know what… I’m a fighter… and I’m winning. He taught me how NOT to be treated by another being. He can’t control me anymore. People like him should not exist, but they do. That’s why I’m sharing my story.

Fight or Flight

Last night as I lay in bed, not sleeping (this is a common occurrence!) I was thinking about our natural instincts to protect ourselves in danger, the two main categories being fight or flight, it’s in our genetic make up to do one of the two when faced with fear.

When I was young and very naive, talking early teens here, I remember knowing about rape and how I always said I’d scream like a banshee or kick him in the balls. However the only rape I understood at that age was of stranger rape, dark alley ways, late at night, walking on your own type rape. I think many people who haven’t been raped, probably think they’d react the same way, their “fight” instinct will kick in. Sadly it doesn’t often happen that way and in actual fact a lot in a way, although they might still be enduring the physical side of the rape, their brain has gone into flight mode… the only way they are going to get away from this unharmed is to wait until it’s over and then run like hell.

I thought back to my rape (another common occurrence whilst not sleeping). He wasn’t a stranger, he was an ex-boyfriend, I let him into my home. My 4 year old son was asleep in bed. I have only just come to terms with the fact that this wasn’t my fault. I fought and flew so to speak. After he raped me in my own living room, I fought him off, I ran straight up the stairs, and locked myself in the bathroom, where I sat in silence. He followed me upstairs. I was petrified what was going to happen next. I didn’t want my son to wake. I spent almost 2 years with this controlling, manipulating, abusive and aggressive person, I did not want to give him any reason for an outburst or attack. But I was scared as I sat on my bathroom floor, willing him in my mind to leave. Hoping like hell that my son would not wake up or worse still that he woke him up to get me out of the bathroom. After what seemed like eons he finally gave up trying to coax me out and I heard the front door shut. I sat in silence for a further 20 minutes or so until I was satisfied he’d actually gone. Then I ran the bath and got in.

I’m not sure how long I sat in the bath, once I got out, I dressed, lifted my son from his bed asleep and strapped him into the car and drove. I wasn’t sure where I was going to start with, I just wanted to get away, it was late, I felt unsafe, violated, stupid and masses of fear. I drove back to my hometown to a friend’s flat, where I spent the next 2 weeks, broken.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with what happens, you may have ideas in your head of how you will react to a situation but don’t judge others by this because in all seriousness, you will never, ever know, unless you are faced with this situation. Flight isn’t just about running away, it’s about surrendering for that moment for the greater good, it can be seen as giving up, but it’s not, it’s about survival. Fight isn’t just about fighting there and then, it’s not just about physically harming someone, but standing up for yourself if you are capable in that situation for the betterment of the outcome.

I’m still fighting.

Rape is rape, no sugarcoating it.

This blog so far has brought me solace I really wasn’t expecting, especially so soon after starting it. At the weekend I even plucked up the courage to share the blog in a parenting group I’ve been in for the last 8 years. All mother’s with children the same age, we’ve forged friendships over the internet talking privately with each other about our deepest darkest secrets, funny experiences, sad times, slummy mummy moments and well pretty much everything, we’ve all since met up and are very close friends. It dawned on me the one thing we haven’t talked about is rape. After a chilled evening, a couple of vodkas and chatting to them on Friday night, I decided to share my blog with them. I posted the link to the group of 30 and explained that I wasn’t looking for sympathy but that I wanted to share with them and talk about it.

The first to respond told me of a friend who recently opened up to her about a rape that happened 17 years ago, we chatted about it a bit, she said she wasn’t sure she handled it right, I offered advice based on my own feelings and she is going to get back in touch with her and chat to her more about it. I felt good to know that it had helped both her and hopefully her friend, knowing that she cared and understood.

Lots of responses followed that were all very heart warming and empowering, plus another lady who hinted that she too had been raped but changed her post to delete that bit but I had already seen it so talked to her about it and a 3rd lady told us all of when she was raped in her 20s but was high at the time so felt like she was to blame and couldn’t do anything about it. What I really wasn’t expecting was the respect and admiration towards me for doing this, the votes of confidence that this IS the right thing to do. I honestly thought most people would think I was mental writing about my rape experience on the internet!

With that in mind I also shared it with another group of women, a smaller group and again a similar response, a lady who’s sister was raped at 14 whilst walking her dog and a private message from another lady who was raped at 15 by an ex, she said she’s never dealt with it but because he was her ex she convinced herself that it was acceptable.

Although it is amazing to have all these women open up to me, and talking about rape openly is one of the main things I wanted from this blog, it scares the fuck out of me how many women are still blaming themselves so, so many years later. Society is a mess… it doesn’t like talking about rape and starts accusing the victim instead of dealing with how bad this is. It does not matter whether you openly invite a man into your house, whether it’s your husband, whether you were drunk, high or dressed in flesh revealing clothes, no man has the right to have sex with you without consent…. ever. When you say the word NO at any point during a date, encounter or whatever, you have clearly stated that you do not want to have sex, if he continues, it is rape. If you are asleep, unconscious or drugged, too scared to say say no, it’s still rape. No matter how he might try to sugar coat it into a mis-understanding, that he “knew” you really wanted it, that you led him on, that you asked for it, that it was “just sex” HE IS WRONG.

Take a look at this poster, sums it up really…