As I sat cuddled up to my husband last night on the sofa, I smiled. Not just a visible smile, but a smile on the inside too. I had a girly lunch date on friday and we were chatting about when we first met our other halves amongst many other things! And that moment last night when I looked at him and loved him still so much. We’d spent the weekend packing for our impending move, doesn’t sound all that romantic does it?! The excitement of the new house is bubbling away now, but that is not what made me smile. He did. Everything he does for me silently, effortlessly and without hesitation.
You see, I hated men when I met him. I had no desire to have a boyfriend ever again because of what had quite recently happened to me, being raped by my ex boyfriend. They scared me, repulsed me and well… I definitely didn’t want a relationship. So I wasn’t expecting what happened next, I met him at work and to be honest I just needed a little bit of flattering attention. Let’s face it we all need it even if our opinion of the opposite sex is rock bottom. For some reason attention makes you feel a touch more confident about yourself… that actually maybe you’re not completely damaged goods. But it was still nothing serious… WHO WAS I KIDDING! my friends laughed at me every time I said it was nothing serious and then would spend the rest of the night talking about him and smiling about him.
I soon began to realise, that this man was different. He respected me, he cared. He made me laugh and I liked to make him laugh too! suddenly life was feeling a lot easier to deal with. With the mistakes of staying with him even pre-rape, when he was abusive and nasty still raw in my mind, when he lived with me and my son, there was no way I was making that mistake again. I played my cards close to my chest and didn’t even introduce J to my son until I knew it was right. When I did introduce them, I was on cloud 9! I couldn’t have asked for more.
About another 4 weeks on from this, it all came crashing down momentarily. On my birthday he decided to text me. (to make this post a little easier to follow from now on I will refer to him as the pig.) All of a sudden I had this evil monster from my past, encroaching on my happy present/future… how could he, everything was going so well. I was distraught, I felt sick. My Mum found me sobbing in my room, she asked me what was wrong and I told her I had decided to tell J about the pig. She held me tight and told me that J was a great person and I’ll know that when he doesn’t go anywhere when I tell him what happened, when he supports me through it instead of running a mile. She was right.
J and I have been together now for almost 10 years. He has supported me through everything, the good the bad and the ugly and I too have held him up in his times of need and laughed with him in our happy times. Anyone that says rape doesn’t affect you long term is delusional. When we started trying for our own baby I had a lot of worries and fears. No matter how amazing J was, you still can’t help but fear this will change at some point. Throw some irrational pregnancy hormones and hormone-fuelled, surreal and head-fucking nightmares into the mix and it’s anyone’s wonder why I wasn’t in a straight jacket! J was still there by my side regardless. When our baby finally arrived and I wanted so much to breast feed but couldn’t bear the though of having my body seen after 2 years of being told I’m disgusting and fat by the pig (incidentally I was tiny when I was with the pig!) The emotional torment was too much, but J still supported me and my decision.
Don’t get me wrong there have been times when he has said to me “I’m not your ex” when I’ve not trusted him enough, or when I am expecting him to do something bad (and he doesn’t) and I have always been over-protective of my son. I guess that’s maternal instinct and guilt. Guilt for exposing him to such a bad person as the pig. This does also affect my parenting, especially as J has been his father figure since the age of 4, I still feel protective.
But more recently, this June, the day I found out the pig had moved onto my street after not seeing him for almost 10 years. To say I was hysterical would be an understatement. I hadn’t smoked for 2 years but the first thing I requested of J was a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and he just went and got them, no objections. We sat and smoked and drank, I cried and kept asking over and over “why”, “what are the chances” I didn’t know what I was going to do or what I needed to do. He said to me “we can move” he had no idea how we would but he was prepared to just say sod it we can make it happen. Initially I didn’t want to feel like I was running away so I wanted to see how it would be. I know I needed to feel J’s presence more now than ever. After talking, smoking, drinking and crying, I ran a bath and we both got in. J held me tight while I sobbed into the water. He didn’t need to ask me why, he just knew I needed to feel close and safe.
It didn’t stop there either, the next day he took the day off work and drove me to my emotional support session at the rape crisis centre. He waited outside until we asked him to come in, we talked through what we might do. Eventually we decided to confront the pig. The following evening we just went together and knocked on his door. No conversation was had, I just told him we lived here and to stay away from me and my family. It was the most nerve racking thing I’ve ever done but afterwards I felt great, empowered and with J by my side I could literally face anything.
Turns out, even after all this, living so close to the pig just makes me feel shit. It’s a daily reminder of an upsetting past. The nightmares started again. After a couple of months I finally said to J I couldn’t live here anymore and that’s when the house hunting began!
So that’s why, last night when I looked at my husband I smiled. I smiled because he will do anything for my happiness as would I for his. We packed up our house this weekend in preparation to move on Saturday. It’s the end of an era but the start of something new and exciting. Another proclamation of how strong our love is.
Not all men are pigs, some are kind, funny, loving, strong, safe and others are even insults to pigs.