I can’t believe how quickly the last 4 weeks have gone since I last posted. It’s funny how talking to no-one in particular out here in the t’internet is surprisingly cathartic. After my last post I decided to take action on my “self” and well-being, not to let this momentary blip affect me more than it needs to.
I called up the rape crisis centre and am back on the waiting list to return to my sessions with them. I had to go back in for an initial meeting and well… I literally spewed up 12 months of pain, some of which I didn’t even realise was there!! It wasn’t until I started to go back inside my own head to try and think why I have been feeling the way I have, that I realised how many triggers and memories have been happening over the last year that my conscious had shoved away to deal with at a later date. My subconscious reminding me that there is something wrong but not quite being able to put a finger on it. I cried a LOT… but do you know what it felt so good to be able to just talk to someone, someone that I didn’t feel like I was burdening. Not that I think any of my friends or family see me as a burden but, I’m just at this point now, where I’m sick of it being something I have to talk about with them. Having someone totally not linked to me to release it all was great!
When I left the crisis centre, I did actually feel like I was going to call my sister or a friend and that I would tell my husband about it afterwards… I still haven’t. I don’t know why.
I also went to see my doctor. I told her how I’ve been feeling, about my glumness and weight gain… which to be fair I think is in the most part due to me self-medicating myself alcohol when I feel shitty! Not a good idea folks. My disturbed sleeping patterns. Although I already knew what I needed to do on that part, having a doctor tell me to do it (and also being all pro-active and shit) gave me the kick up the bum I needed. I joined the gym. It’s not just about losing weight, it’s getting fit, it’s “me” time, getting out of the house and of course those all important endrophins our bodies’ natural pain and stress reliever! So now I am going regularly and feeling better inside and out.
Sleep! I can’t believe how much it’s improved, I’m still having the odd random nightmare linked to the pig or my past BUT I have been sleeping so much better, less night wakings, deeper sleeps. I urge you to try this technique http://www.byrdie.com/how-to-fall-asleep-fast it was doing the rounds on facebook and I decided to give it a try. It takes me longer than a minute of repeating this breathing but I’d say I’m mostly asleep within 5 minutes. When I’ve awoken in the night I do it again and POW back to sleep, whereas before I would lay awake for hours!
It’s still *there* that box and those things and once I am assigned a counsellor I will start talking and trying to overcome each section of it, big and small. I definitely do need to speak to my husband and preferably tonight as tomorrow we are going back to the village, the village we hot-footed it out of in November 2013 to get away from the pig. It’s one night and high percentage chance the pig may well be in the pub, I need to prepare him for the fact that although I am looking forward to our evening with friends, deep down I’m not ok and I will be thinking about it.
Rape Happens 